Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
please come you make the beer taste better
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
