My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
