How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
