I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
