No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
