SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
