normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
