Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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