I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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