She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
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I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
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I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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