Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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