Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
