So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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