Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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