I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I don't deserve a penis
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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