kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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