Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
