I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
