I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
