so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
