This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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