I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
