If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
