The maid of honor just puked.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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