Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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