Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
