There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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