I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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