Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
