he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
