I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
