I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
