im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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