So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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