I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I CAN MOONWALK!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
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If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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