we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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