I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
