I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.