I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
they're like a gay fantastic four
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla