It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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