I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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