i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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