awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
