it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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