So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
