R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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