Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
