3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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