A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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