respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
