She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
