I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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