I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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