I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
