just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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