I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
