guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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