I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
