1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
