My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
