Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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