dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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